Making

When suddenly you are seeing something that wasn't just there, and feeling something that only a second go was something else entirely, and it all sounds a little bit different, the air, just like that, cleared up, there is no dust on the ground or the dishes or the pillows, and smells have left and are replaced by no smells or different ones, and you are suddenly nostalgic like crazy for one second ago even though it was particularly miserable, you long for the past because nothing was all done yet and there was such wonder to look forward to, and now you're in it

and you're resting

and even though time, with all its minutes and months, make that second feel like a century, it's still time and your memory still turns it into a dream that is on continuous loop everytime you sleep and these days you've even begun to daydream it.

We're all hoping to be done soon and we stop and imagine what it will be like. Ben and Janell and Jay don't get angry all too often and they work all the time. I get angry alot and I hardly work at all. I tried installing doors the other day and it was difficult for me and it didn't go right and I got upset and Ben came along and helped out and he was able to joke. I imagine that alot of times it's hard for him to joke but he does it anyway cos he knows it's good too. It's good to keep it light. You let this house win and that's when true misery sets in because this is, after all, where we all live and sleep and eat. And you really want that to be a place you like. Ben and Janell haven't had a real room in a long time. Their room is always halfway done but I hope they have the best room when this is all over and I hope they hang out in it alot because of how great it is.

I often try to do what I can with helping here. Most of that entails general cleaning or yardwork. I think I'm good at tidying or organizing, finding places for things, usually. I'd like to be better at getting rid of things that I don't need, or possibly we don't need. That's tough to know. We have a hell of alot of mugs. Some of those could sure go.

I remember before I lived here I would check this blog and I loved watching the movies and reading the updates. The movies were so funny. They are still funny. Jay is so funny in all of the movies, he's always playing a different character, and each one is spectacular. And it's true. From outside the idea of what this house is and what the people in it are doing is appealing, a little bit exciting. From inside, it's not appealing or exciting. It's a drag that wears on you and it's a burden. And even when something is done, it doesn't necessarily mean it's been done right or even well. A couple weeks back I painted the soffits (sp) and really messed those up. But I just wanted them done, and didn't really think about not getting dark paint on the white trim. And it was an uncomfortable angle.

When a little thing gets done, Janell and Ben and Jay are happy about it and they say how great it is. But there's still so much more. There's so much more and it's not a little house. It's a very big house. With alot of square feet and windows and doors and doorframes and walls and cabinets and outlets and faucets and tools and supplies and beds. And uncomfortable couches. And people are moving out and the general volume level is decreasing and it's just tough. I want to feel how great it is, too.



There's these parents in this book I like that are carpenters and whenever their kids (who are twins) asked for something, they'd say to them "If you want it, make it."

Over time this house has changed for those living in it. Obviously. We made it change. We're making it.