Out of my Mind

So I'm fasting from social media right now. For Lent. You could say it's a spiritual maintenance thing. My uses for social media (mainly Instagram and Facebook) are multiple, but mainly they are a source of not dealing with my feelings. What I realized only 3 days in was that although I'm not on them alot collectively, I am on them for short bits several times throughout the day. My phone is usually on the kitchen counter, available and always in sight - triggering me to check something. (even my 3 yr old son will say "I just need to check something). On my 3rd day of fasting, in a moment of frustration with my kids I went to tap the alluring Instagram app. I immediately stepped back, alarmed at myself. Every time I have unwanted feelings and/or feelings I don't know what do with, I tap that trusty app. I zone out for a couple minutes. Then I jolt myself back into reality, having not dealt with whatever emotion I was trying to escape (in myself AND in my children). By the end of the day I was breaking down physically in tears and exhaustion, and mentally fragmented. I think there's a lot more at play here, but my crutch of social media was bringing me down.
As an Enneagram 9, I am notorious for not knowing what I want. One has to know who they are before they can know what they want. But in times of transition and dissonance, it's all too easy to slip away into apathy and autopilot. What I've found almost halfway into my Lenten fast, there is a Grace from God that is always present. When my days are usually the least bit peaceful and harmonious, I sit with my anxiety, say hello and ask it if it would like any tea.

By nature, I am one who easily succumbs to sloth and avoidance, but by Christ's nature, I am one who is free to bring my shadow self to His table and let it receive His love and truth.
This is why I love the Lenten journey so much. I am once again humbled by my depravity while on Feast days, (Sundays) I can embrace the right-now reality of the resurrection.

Sometimes I feel like I'm literally loosing my mind as a mom of 2 young boys, but isn't it always in the losing that we find faith?
Speaking of losing our minds, I can't get these stories out of mine:

1. The striking and disarming footage of the brother of the Parkland Shooter telling him that he loves him. "I know what you did and I love you." I know who you are and I love you. He tells him over and over. Hugs him while he weeps. He tells him he would pull his heart out for his. I just kept thinking, and while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

You can watch the footage here

2. A recent sermon on Grace, God and Mental Illness. At only 13 minutes long, author and journalist Michael Gerson packs an honest punch on his life with depression and God. I'll share one quote with you that grabbed my attention:

"All of us--whatever our natural serotonin level - look around us and see plenty of reason for doubt, anger and sadness. A child dies, a woman is abused, a schoolyard becomes a killing field, a Typhoon sweeps away the innocent. If we knew or felt the whole of human suffering, we would drown in despair. By all objective evidence, we are arrogant animals, headed for the extinction that is the way of all things. We imagine we are like gods and still drop dead like flies on the windowsill...Faith, thankfully, does not preclude doubt. It consists of staking your life on the rumor of grace..."

Art by Scottericksonart.com.

3.  Alex Honnold and his god-like feat in Free Solo. Has anyone else watched this?? I want to talk to somebody about this crazy movie! This in no way is a diss on the movie - the movie is gutsy, bewildering and spectacular. But while watching, I couldn't get out of my mind the story of the Tower of Babel in the Scriptures. How they want to keep building higher and higher to reach God. 

There's a part in the movie where Alex is asked if he's depressed, but the camera cuts away before he answers. But on a podcast interview with Tim Ferriss he does respond, saying: 

"Yes, I think I gravitate towards being a somewhat depressed person. Or -- I don't know actually. I'm sort of just flat...I feel like I don't have any of the highs. I kind of go from level, to slightly below level, to back. It's all pretty flat...Sometimes you just feel useless, you know? But in some ways I embrace that as part of the process because you kind of have to feel like a worthless piece of poop in order to get motivated enough to go do something that makes you feel less useless. But then ultimately that still doesn't make you feel any less useless, so you just have to keep doing more."

What are you gonna solo next Honnold?

The Law will never save us, but only tell us that we can't do it on our own. May I have the courage and vision to believe that God is already here, drinking tea with me and my shadow self.