To Care and Not to Care

March 19, 2020 // Quiet City This is the first in a series I'm calling "Stay at Home free writes." This is simply to help me process in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic. So this is what it feels like at the end of the world. Or at least, the end of something. Closing, retreating, staying home. Asked to turn inward while others must remain outward, helping and saving. Today, I heard Nancy Ives, the principal cellist of the Oregon Symphony perform Bach's prelude to Cello Suite no. 3. There was no audience. Just her and the host of Portland's All Classical radio station. It was somber and brought me to tears. I felt sneaky driving to Home Depot to buy dirt and jasmine to plant. Something to watch grow while so much dies around me. I also watch my boys grow, (mostly) oblivious to why they have to stay home so much. How will this time shape them? How will I allow this time to shape me? I go back and forth between feeling like the world is ending and ha...

Asleep My body moves in and out of dishes and babies and prepping meals, meals, meals. My ears catch snippets of news. More shootings, refugee resettlement act repealed, fires, ice melting. I turn an ear, shake my head and return to wiping up the spilled food. Moments of alone time are filled with other lives, fiction and nonfiction.  Nudge There's an unsettlement in my chest. Why is the Lord poking around in my heart? The Spirit prays within me. Give her the grace to give a damn. Give her the courage to believe that everything she does matters. Gentle. Compassionate. Powerful. Anger as Grace I am awakened. Grief and injustice overlooked, it is inflamed in my gut, hips and back. It tells me to pay attention. What happens when I start paying attention for the first time in years? Anger can take the form of many things - blame, grief, fear - and if these were the only forms I'd be limited ...

So I'm fasting from social media right now. For Lent. You could say it's a spiritual maintenance thing. My uses for social media (mainly Instagram and Facebook) are multiple, but mainly they are a source of not dealing with my feelings. What I realized only 3 days in was that although I'm not on them alot collectively, I am on them for short bits several times throughout the day. My phone is usually on the kitchen counter, available and always in sight - triggering me to check something. (even my 3 yr old son will say "I just need to check something). On my 3rd day of fasting, in a moment of frustration with my kids I went to tap the alluring Instagram app. I immediately stepped back, alarmed at myself. Every time I have unwanted feelings and/or feelings I don't know what do with, I tap that trusty app. I zone out for a couple minutes. Then I jolt myself back into reality, having not dealt with whatever emotion I was trying to escape (in myself AND in my children)....